I haven't seen a spread that good since I last read the phrase "welcome sailors." If you click on it you can hover over the photo and see what's what. Not pictured: John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald. Honorable mention: John Hinkley, David Mark Chapman.

I kind of want to make a t-shirt that says "I threw Julie a party where we drank 13 gallons of beer and this is all I got." Because, honestly, that would sum up the night. By 10 PM, both 5 gallon kegs had been drained and the Oatmeal Stout was not long for this world. Luckily I had saved some in a secret location so there would be something on St. Patrick's Day. I mean, not that I"m Irish or anything. But like, you know. Amateur night and all.

But you didn't come here to read about massive alcohol consumption, right? Or did you... Regardless I'm done talking about it, so well, there you go.

By and by, the initial summation was true. I did throw Julie a party. It's not every year you have a birthday so I figured why not celebrate this one to the nines. Which means, why not spend the birthday with your friends shopping while your lovely husband stays home and cooks for a good five hours straight. Incidentally, that is what happened. Don't worry — I much prefer cooking over shopping. I know, I know, you'd never have guessed, what with my immaculate style of dress. Oh god, I'm rambling again.

Even with all my efforts to make this a "thing" I only got a minor chuckle from one person, the next night, when I said "Hey this is reTARTed." Some people just appreciate good humor.

I keep thinking if I start a new paragraph I'll actually get to writing about the food. I think you've finally gotten your wish. I bet you're also wondering "what in the fuck takes six hours to make?" Well, good sirs, I'll let you in on this: french onion dip, salmon dip, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, a caramelized onion and goat cheese tart, chili spiced almonds, hummus, grilled chicken with pineapple and peanut satay sauce, cutting vegetables for crudite and a pine-nut-lemon-ricotta filled tart. Aside from the tart (which you've seen before) and the hummus (which you've also seen before) and the carrot cake (which is a specialty of mine), the rest of this was flying by the seat of my pants.

The salmon dip was inspired by two things. 1. Matthew gave us canned salmon for Christmas (they were out of socks!) and 2. Steve Niemic made a salmon dip that was ridiculously good for us when we celebrated our wedding in Vermont. So I mixed together about a cup of sour cream, a cup of mayonnaise, 2 tbls prepared horseradish and a half cup of plain American-style yogurt. (This was actually the base for both dips; a little sour, a little tangy and a little creamy). I then added two cans of drained salmon, a jar of capers (and a little bit of their brine), about 12 minced cornichons, a half bunch of parsley minced, 1 minced garlic clove, the juice and zest of a lemon, and a little salt and pepper to balance it out. The french onion dip was the same base, but about 3 pounds (yes, pounds) of slowly caramelized onions, a splash of sherry vinegar and salt and pepper.

The chicken was marinaded in a mix of pineapple juice, lime juice, soy sauce, mirin, fish sauce, garlic and jalapeños blended in the blender for a few hours, then grilled on skewers with pineapple. The sauce was peanut butter (a cup?), soy sauce, mirin, fish sauce, lime juice, garlic, a little peanut oil and some rice wine vinegar.